I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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