so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
