My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
