I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
