Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why can't burritos get me drunk
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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