My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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