I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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