Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
