Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
