somebody snuck up and got me drunk
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
