just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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