Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
