I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
