Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
