i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
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i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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