I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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