yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Success! We fucked roommates!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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