im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
