you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
