guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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