ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
