every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
