Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
