I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
