weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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