i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
