Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
