I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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