I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
