dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
