i wish starbucks made bloody marys
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
