Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just pee around me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
