I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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