All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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