you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
as a side note pls kill me
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