Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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