Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You left your phone here
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