someone threw a dead crab at me
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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