Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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