I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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