I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
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you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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