I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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