Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
