I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize