My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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