I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
