He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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