New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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