i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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