I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
