I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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