So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
