at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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