Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
