Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
