That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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