How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
